BURLINGTON, NJ—Recommending you scan through the list of songs until you find a real crowd-pleaser, a new report from your greedy, gluttonous hunger for the approval of strangers announced Thursday that “you should put your name on the karaoke list!” “Why don’t you pretend to sing directly to that person sitting at the bar even though you don’t know them? They would love that,” said the endless chorus of voracious voices swirling around your brain, urging you to make a little wisecrack during the song’s 16-bar instrumental break. “You should sway around and thrust your pelvis at the crowd for a little bit. That’s it. Now spin the microphone by the cord. Wait, you’re losing them—hurry up and try to get everyone to clap their hands. Next time, pick a song that really shows off your vocal range, like the one from Titantic.” At press time, the cacophonous screams that drive your need to be accepted reportedly quieted down to whisper, murmuring that it will never happen.

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