SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA—Despite spending as many as 80 hours a week at the office, local father Michael Henderson told reporters Thursday that, given his son’s lack of ambition and general mediocrity, he has only missed one or two accomplishments in the unimpressive child’s life. “Sure, I’ve been working pretty much nonstop for the past 18 years, but the only major achievements I wasn’t there for were Spencer’s high school graduation and one theater performance—but he only helped paint the sets for that; it’s not like he was even on stage,” said Henderson, adding that he had no qualms about not being around to see his son frequently sitting around on the couch watching television. “I went on a lot of business trips, and worked late nights and on weekends and holidays, but it never really prevented me from witnessing any special moments, as Spencer dropped out of Cub Scouts pretty early, quit the track team after one meet, and never made the honor roll or received a single award. I realize that I haven’t always been there for him, but he hasn’t exactly given me much to regret either.” At press time, Henderson told reporters that although his job continues to require long workdays and offers few opportunities for vacations, he doubts he will miss any significant accomplishments in the next 18 years of his son’s life.
More from The Onion