BILLINGS, MT—Resigning herself to the fact that perhaps she just wasn’t meant to have smooth, detangled hair, area woman Candace Fard confided to reporters Thursday that after being let down by yet another leave-in conditioner, she wasn’t sure she could ever put herself out there again. “I’ve been burned so many times before, and I don’t want to waste any more of my life, you know?” said Fard, who sighed while gazing longingly at a Pantene magazine ad boasting all-day frizz protection before angrily ripping the page to pieces at the memory of her own half-used bottle, which she decided to part with after discovering it made her bangs greasy. “It’s so hard to see all my friends finding the perfect leave-in conditioner for them while I sit here trying product after product and nothing ever works out. Like, I’m happy for them, but why can’t I have what they have? Sometimes, it feels like there’s not even anything out there for my hair type. Maybe it’s time I give up and just accept myself as a woman with dry, tangled hair.” At press time, Fard was reportedly fielding a call from her mother, whose friend Joan had insisted she had a conditioner that would be a perfect match.

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