ALEXANDRIA, VA—Deciding to expel longtime member Colleen Ashford for missing the last two meetings, participants in a local book club reportedly remained unaware Thursday that she had choked to death alone in her apartment several days prior. “I mean, one absence we can understand—we’ve all been there—but now it’s two in a row with absolutely no excuse for not showing up,” said book club member Leslie Turis to the agreement of the others, all of whom were ignorant of the fact that Ashford suffocated on a pretzel lodged in her throat, spent the last few seconds of her life in utter panic, and ultimately collapsed in her hallway with her hand outstretched in a last, desperate attempt to seek help. “Look, if she didn’t like the book, that’s fine, but the least she could do is call and tell us she’s not coming, right? It was her turn to bring a snack this week, too. That’s just so inconsiderate. I guess some people just can’t take this book club seriously.” Turis later added that she was actually kind of grateful they wouldn’t have to put up with Ashford’s “flighty bullshit” anymore at the same moment that the dead woman’s cat began to eat her face.

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