KENWOOD, OH—Saying she has a lot of nerve to try and pull something like this, employees of insurance agency Boland & Sons told reporters Wednesday that coworker Emily Nelson seems to believe she can just waltz back into work after her maternity leave without once bringing her baby into the office. “I don’t know where she gets off thinking she doesn’t need to come in here with that baby strapped around her in a bjorn,” said Greg Sheldrick, adding that Nelson is out of her goddamn mind if she seriously believes showing off a few measly pictures of the newborn on her cell phone is an adequate substitute for bringing him around to meet everyone in their department. “She’s been back for three weeks already, so the grace period is over. She needs to come in with that baby in a stroller, roll it by my desk, and say ‘Somebody wants to say hello,’ or, frankly, she might as well never show her face here again. Seriously, every single person here better get a chance to lean in and smile at that baby, and God help her if she shows up the rest of this week empty-handed.” Sheldrick reportedly expressed equal astonishment that Nelson’s husband thinks he can get away with not once arriving with the infant to pick up his wife from work.

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