CHICOPEE, MA—Expressing regret that she just didn’t have the time to properly look after the locks, local woman Nicole Parker reportedly tearfully parted with her long hairstyle Thursday after realizing she couldn’t provide it with the kind of care it deserves. “I’m sorry, but I just can’t give you what you need anymore,” said Parker, explaining how she didn’t have it in her to complete the hair masks and conditioning required to maintain and nurture the haircut. “Maybe this could have been possible at another time in another place, but right now, I can’t be brushing you as much as you want. I’m sorry, I wish I was better.” At press time, Parker assured herself that the long hair would be better off with the guy who bought it online.
More from The Onion