HOLDEN, MO—Having attempted numerous variations of color combinations and application techniques over the last two decades with only poor results to show for the effort, local woman Jessica Greenwald told reporters Thursday that she’s starting to worry that she just has the type of face where makeup looks completely insane. “The second I put on eyeshadow or lipstick, I look like someone who just escaped from a mental institution,” said 32-year-old Greenwald, noting that whatever she tries—a natural look or even a subtle cat-eye—the makeup in combination with her physical attributes instantly transforms her appearance into that of a deranged, nightmarish mutant. “I look completely normal without makeup, but as soon as I try something as simple as a sultry, smokey eye—Bam! I’m an unhinged, sleep-deprived, Jack-Nicholson-from-The-Shining-looking lunatic. Maybe it has something to do with my bone structure or my skin type that turns me into a creepy serial killer every time I try to contour or fill in my eyebrows, I don’t know.” Greenwald added that her makeup problem was exacerbated when she tries to do something nice with her hair and only ends up looking like a psychotic clown or a batshit crazy comic book villain.