COLUMBUS, OH—Contemplating her romantic future while staring deep into the eyes of her dining companion, area woman Emily Hopkins reportedly spent the duration of her date Friday wondering if this would be the one she’ll mace. “Call me silly, but like any woman on a first date, I can’t help wondering if he might be the person I’ll be forced to pull my pepper spray on,” said Hopkins, who found she could barely concentrate on her dinner while watching for clues in her date’s body language suggesting that he might ignore social cues and polite rejection and actually require the use of self-defense chemicals to fend off his advances. “As it is, I’m still not sure. I can definitely picture having to shove him away a little bit if he tries to force a kiss, but can I really imagine it becoming so serious that he gets down on one knee and screams and claws the capsaicin out of his eyes as I run away as fast as I can? They say you can sometimes tell if someone’s macing material within the first 10 minutes of meeting them, but I just don’t know if there’s going to be any chemistry here.” In related news, sources close to Hopkins’ date report the young man remains undecided on whether or not Hopkins was someone he could see himself eventually assaulting.
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