YOSEMITE VILLAGE, CA—Confusing her friends and colleagues as to what could possibly drive her to undertake such an expedition, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring explorer Jillian Greene’s solo hike through Yosemite National Park has evidently nothing to do with soul-searching, an inner journey, or any other form of self-discovery. “Naturally, I assumed she was attempting to deal with a catastrophic event, the loss of a parent, or a devastating breakup or something similar. But no, Jillian is really just using her vacation time to be out in nature, just walking for the sake of walking, I guess?” said Greene’s coworker Demory Jacobs, who noted the baffling 10-day trip requires Greene to carry all her own gear and food, sleep under the stars in all manner of weather, and be completely cut off from technology while in no way helping her come to terms with her true self, make peace with her demons, or ease her transition into a new chapter of her life. “She’s not graduating from anything, trying to reconnect with her inner child, attempting to understand the soul of her distant but nature-loving father, exploring an external wilderness in order to comprehend and inner universe, assuaging her cultural guilt over lands stolen from indigenous peoples, or trying to kick heroin, so we can’t think and any reason she’d want to explore the outdoors. We’re all pretty freaked out.” At press time, Greene’s friends and family expressed regret over not staging an intervention immediately after she revealed her desire to just enjoy the fresh air, silence, and sunsets.
More from The Onion