OMAHA, NE—Deeming her entire apartment an “accident waiting to happen,” local woman Jeanine Kratz, 29, told reporters Wednesday that she was rushing to hide any fragile objects and cover up sharp corners on tables before her boyfriend came over. “I really have to clean this place up as much as possible, because Chuck puts everything in his mouth and I worry he’ll swallow something and then I’m going to end up taking him to the emergency room,” said Kratz as she scrambled to remove any plastic bags the 32-year-old could suffocate on, place a lighter on a higher shelf, and hide any pill bottles that he could somehow “get his grubby little hands on.” “It’s honestly amazing what he’ll get into, whether he’s climbing onto my countertops, pushing over my television, or sticking his fingers into outlets when I’m not looking. Last time, he fell straight through my glass table—I thought he was going to die. And that’s not even counting the time he pissed all over the carpet.” At press time, Kratz excused herself to the other room after hearing a thud, followed by a loud wail and her boyfriend crying.

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