Illustration for article titled Woman Reminds Friend She Will Always Be Only A Phone Call, Uninterrupted 45-Minute Monologue About Guy She’s Seeing Away

SEATTLE—Emphasizing the importance of providing comfort and support, social media manager Gillian Dearborne assured her longtime friend Julie Kaplan Tuesday that she would always be just a phone call, prefaced by 45 minutes of breathless meandering about some guy she’s seeing, away. “If you ever need me for anything—anything at all—you only have to call me up, wait quietly for me to finish an unrelenting torrent of speculation about how my relationship with some dope you’ve never met is going, and I’ll be there for you,” said Dearborne, who prides herself on being a compassionate presence for friends once they sit through exhausting tirades about two mediocre dates she went on with a Tinder guy she’s not sure she even likes. “I’m serious! Anytime, day or night, you give me a ring, and I’ll spend most of the call laying out multiple theories about what a text message I got two weeks ago could possibly mean, and then I’ll suddenly end the conversation because I have to get ready for a date.” At press time, Kaplan’s attempt to interrupt a half-hour soliloquy about someone named Trevor had been promptly steamrolled.


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