Illustration for article titled Woman On Sidewalk Can’t Even Summon Kernel Of Whimsy Required To Skip Along Hopscotch

SEATTLE—Unmoved by the colorful chalk pattern drawn on the sidewalk by neighborhood youth, local woman Abigail Keston could not summon from anywhere inside herself the kernel of whimsy required to skip through the hopscotch grid she was walking past, reports confirmed Wednesday. According to sources, despite the fanciful, welcoming images of flowers and smiley faces adorning the perimeter of the children’s game, the 32-year-old was not able to transcend the drudgery of day-to-day life for even a moment in order to hop merrily upon the multihued rectangles on the pavement before her. Reports indicated a cold and stone-faced Keston simply plodded right over the playfully hand-drawn prompt to “jump here,” though it would have required minimal physical exertion to leap and bound her way through the 10 numbered spaces, ending her sprightly steps upon the half circle labeled “heaven.” At press time, a bitter encasing of frost had reportedly consumed Keston’s heart as she called in a noise complaint for the ice cream truck that was circling her neighborhood.

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