CHICAGO—Saying it was crucial to find ways to keep fit even within the confines of her office, local woman Diana Shearer devised her latest delusional scheme Wednesday for burning extra calories during the workday. “I’ll start using a smaller water glass—that way I’ll get more walking in because I’ll have to refill it more frequently,” said Shearer, whose fanciful notions of physical activity have also included taking the stairs instead of the elevator, visiting her colleagues in person instead of emailing them, wearing small ankle weights, and replacing her desk chair with an exercise ball. “Let’s say I burn four calories each round trip to the kitchen watercooler. If I make eight trips, that’s 32 extra calories a day, or 160 calories each and every workweek—and that doesn’t even count the five minutes of chair yoga I do after lunch.” In a stroke of mad genius, Shearer reportedly later realized that she could boost the number of calories burned if she walked 20 feet farther to fill her water glass at the cooler in the copy room.
More from The Onion