ELKINS PARK, PA—Saying that “the universe works in mysterious ways,” local woman Rebecca Ellis claimed Monday to be amazed at how she found the perfect partner just when she was getting desperate enough to accept anything. “Who would have thought I’d find the most perfect guy for me at almost the same instant I lowered my standards to a level I’d once have found unthinkable? I mean, what are the odds?” said Ellis, 28, marvelling at the timing involved in meeting her soulmate mere days after resolving not to spend another winter alone. “There I was, unimaginably lonely and quickly running out of options in this backward town, when suddenly Kevin barges through that door and fills the recently created Kevin-shaped void in my heart.” At press time, Ellis was overwhelmed with gratitude upon landing her dream job mere weeks after lowering her salary requirements and to giving up hope of getting decent health benefits.

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