SANTA MARIA, CA—Completely floored by his new appearance, sources at Pioneer Valley High School confirmed Monday that, whoa, their classmate Jeremy Lucas got totally hideous over the summer vacation. “Holy shit, Jeremy got super vile over the summer,” said Kimberly Stockton, 16, adding that she never really noticed Lucas before he became all gangly and grew body hair in all the wrong places, but now she could hardly stand to look away from his acne-covered face and greasy hair. “He’s really been turning heads with his noxious body odor, constantly cracking voice, and massive Adam’s apple. It’s hard to believe this guy with all of the wrong facial and bodily proportions is the same Jeremy we’ve known this whole time.” Stockton later added that she just knew everyone would clamor to be the first one to ask Lucas out as a joke.

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