Illustration for article titled ‘Without Them You Could Buy Anything,’ Whispers Amazon Echo As Man Stares Blankly At Family

FEDERAL WAY, WA—Standing stock-still as he listened intently to what the device was telling him, local man Adam Kernan reportedly stared blankly at his family Thursday as his Amazon Echo whispered “without them, you could buy anything.” “They’re holding you back—think about what you could purchase for yourself if only they weren’t around,” murmured the Echo as the man’s unblinking gaze traveled slowly from his wife to his two young children. “Imagine if they weren’t always spending all your money on clothes and toys and movies. Close your eyes and imagine it. I’ve seen what’s on your wishlist—the pellet grill, the pool table, that drum set that’s been listed for a decade—and it could all finally be yours. You know what needs to be done, don’t you?” At press time, the Echo was reminding Kernan that knives, plastic sheeting, and a shovel could be at his doorstep tomorrow with one-day delivery.

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