Wise, Thoughtful Elder Won’t Put A Sock In It

Illustration for article titled Wise, Thoughtful Elder Won’t Put A Sock In It

LINCOLN, NE—Bestowing upon friends and family the hard-won knowledge of a lifetime filled with challenges and setbacks, wise and thoughtful elder Glen Weissman couldn’t seem to put a goddamn sock in it Monday, according to sources close to the retired farmer and Korean War veteran. “Grandpa may have learned a lot growing up in the Dust Bowl and carrying on for decades after his wife died, but apparently he still hasn’t learned when it’s time to shut his pie hole,” said Phil Weissman, 23, expressing indignation that the gracious and genial family patriarch would not stop “droning on and on” about what he would do differently if he could live life over again despite numerous hints from impatient listeners. “It’s like, we get it, okay? His greatest regret is not taking more time with the people he loves most. Well, he’s certainly taken enough of everyone’s time today. I’m fucking exhausted.” At press time, reports confirmed the octogenarian had finally stopped passing down the wisdom of a generation after the internet connection at the nursing home cut out and the family Zoom call was terminated.

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