PORTLAND, ME—Saying he felt completely drained after a long and stressful day at work, local widower Harold Stein reported Thursday that he just doesn’t have the energy to waltz with his dead wife’s dress tonight. “Any other night, the first thing I’d do after I finish eating dinner and cleaning up the dishes is light a few candles, take Helen’s favorite gown from the hanger in the old cherry armoire, and slowly dance with it around the living room for a while, but I’m honestly pretty wiped out,” said Stein, adding that he was currently too tired to even consider holding out one sleeve of the dress while slowly twirling around to a staticky vinyl record of the couple’s wedding song, and would probably just kick back on the couch for a bit instead. “Just the thought of getting out her jewelry box and running my hand slowly across her old pearl necklace and then spritzing the room with the perfume she used to wear is making me feel totally exhausted. I’ll definitely still do it on our anniversary, but I just need some time to sit down and recharge right now.” At press time, Stein had reportedly decided to just lay a few articles of his wife’s clothing on the bed next to him and call it an evening.

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