SOUTH BURLINGTON, VT—Scrolling through the comments of her Etsy page and scoffing with disdain, craft enthusiast Mary Gehlhausen told reporters that a vacuous fool had used the word “wicker” and “rattan” interchangeably. “What was she, born yesterday—let me guess, she calls quilts ‘crochets’ and she probably thinks leather and vinyl are the same fucking thing,” said Gehlhausen, adding that she hadn’t been this viscerally offended by a comment on her patio furniture since some slack-jawed bimbo mixed up a sideboard and credenza. “Look, I’d get it if she’d simply been confused by the difference between synthetic rattan and resin wicker, because even that can be tough to distinguish for me as a professional crafter. But to look at a series of exquisite hole-to-hole woven rattan chairs and just say the first word that comes out of your single-celled pea brian. God, If I knew where she lived, I’d beat her ass behind Pier 1 Imports.” At press time, Gehlhausen had recanted her statements after inadvertently mixing up rattan reeds and bamboo reeds.
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