LAREDO, TX—Scrambling to cook breakfast, change a diaper, and put on his bulletproof vest at the same time, tough-as-nails ICE agent Tony Carter admitted Thursday that he was struggling to raise the remaining three members of the Guerrero family after deporting their parents to El Salvador. “Alright, you knuckleheads, settle down. I’m putting Javier in charge until I get back from work, and then we’re having spaghetti. Comprende?” Carter said to the children whose parents he detained at gunpoint in a pre-dawn raid before noticing the “sleepy little angels” cowering in the bathroom. “Look, I don’t know how your folks ran things—and lord knows I’m no parenting expert—but around here, we don’t get to watch TV until we’ve done our chores.” After reminding the kids that he could deport them, too, if they didn’t make their beds, Carter sighed contentedly and muttered, “It takes a village.”

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