LINCOLN, NE—Shoppers at a local Fareway Grocery were reportedly annoyed Thursday after a total banger on the loudspeaker was interrupted for a missing child announcement. “I was just starting to groove out to ‘Kodachrome’ when the store manager cuts in for some bullshit about parents who can’t find their kid,” said customer Mark Barbin, confirming that his excitement at hearing the Paul Simon hit quickly turned to disappointment as the bulletin about the lost 9-year-old girl stretched on for over 30 seconds. “This is just really unfortunate timing. It’s not like waiting a couple more minutes to ask if anyone’s seen Suzanne is going to make a big difference, so they could have at least waited until the radio station went to commercial. At this point, I’m just hoping they wrap it up soon—like, okay, how many times do you have to repeat her description and that she’s prone to seizures or whatever? If they don’t cut to the chase, I’m going to totally miss out on the chorus.” At press time, Barbin was reportedly further frustrated after being unable to hear the end of the song over the loud wailing of a nearby mother.
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