HOPEWELL, NJ—Trying unsuccessfully to ignore the child as he grasped his genitals between his thumb and index finger, wincing sources reported Wednesday that local boy Jacob Faldonna, 2, was really yanking on his penis hard. “Oh boy,” the incredibly uncomfortable sources reportedly thought to themselves as they tried to carry on a normal conversation despite the toddler tugging firmly at his penis and then releasing it, giving it pull after pull, over and over again. “God, he’s still doing it.” At press time, sources confirmed the child had momentarily heeded his father’s stern admonishment that “We don’t do that” before grabbing his foreskin and stretching it out as far as it would go.

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