Thighs On Fucking Fire 12 Seconds Into Flirty Lap Dance

Illustration for article titled Thighs On Fucking Fire 12 Seconds Into Flirty Lap Dance

SAN DIEGO—Attempting to pass off the immediate, uncontrollable shaking of her legs as some sort of playful shimmy, sources confirmed Thursday that the thighs of local woman Meg Berger, 26, were already “on fucking fire” just 12 seconds into a flirty lap dance for her boyfriend. “Oh, Jesus fucking Christ, it burns, wow,” said a flushed Berger under her breath, attempting to continue grinding against her boyfriend’s crotch in a smooth, seductive manner despite the radial bursts of white-hot pain shooting up her quadriceps. “Christ, I thought I was in decent shape, but I’ll barely be able to move tomorrow. Why didn’t I stretch! Maybe he won’t notice if I put my full body weight on his shoulders for a quick second. Shit, fuck—they’re going to give out completely if I don’t keep moving. How long is this goddamn song, anyway? I’ll just find a sultry way to lie down and pretend that’s all part of it.” At press time, Berger was seen rolling on the carpet groaning in agony as her boyfriend drove to CVS for some emergency IcyHot.

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