Therapist Knows This Whole Goddamn Gravy Train Of Clients Ends Second Vaccine Announced

Illustration for article titled Therapist Knows This Whole Goddamn Gravy Train Of Clients Ends Second Vaccine Announced

LYSANDER, NY—Recognizing that the gushing fountain of easy money wouldn’t last forever, local therapist Rob Wetzel confided to reporters Monday that he knows this whole goddamn gravy train of clients will end the second a coronavirus vaccine is announced. “Sure, I’m cleaning up on nodding along to these depressed shut-ins over Zoom right now, but as soon as a cure comes out and people can leave home again, I might actually have to go back to doing some real therapy for a living,” said Wetzel, adding that his savings account has tripled since the coronavirus pandemic started and he’s been able to upcharge new clients for their sessions without leaving his couch. “It’s hard not to break into a grin when these people are talking about how hard it is to be stuck at home with nothing to do but work and watch TV, and meanwhile the only stressful thing in my life is figuring out how big of a new house I can buy. I just click from one session to the next, and who can even tell the difference between these people? This is the easiest money I’ve ever made. But once the vaccine is over, these clients aren’t going to stick around, and this whole fucking goldmine will be tapped out.” Wetzel added that he was trying not to get his hopes up that a vaccine wouldn’t be released until late 2021 and he’d have time to milk the therapy cash cow for a boat.

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