Illustration for article titled Teleconferencing Pastor Requests Any Worshipper Currently Speaking In Tongues Go On Mute

DEPEW, OK—In an effort to reduce disruptions during a prayer meeting held by teleconference Tuesday, Pastor Terry McEvers of the First Pentecostal Church of God reportedly asked that any congregants presently speaking in tongues place themselves on mute for the duration of the service. “Though it is only natural for the Holy Spirit to overwhelm us as we gather in praise, we have quite a lot of God’s children on the line this morning, so I need those of you crying out in the heavenly language to turn off your device’s microphone,” said McEvers, gently reminding worshippers that while the Lord had blessed them with the latest technologies for allowing His flock to gather in His name, the platform had its limitations and simply could not handle the ecstatic, rapid-fire vocalizations of everyone on the call simultaneously. “If we all fall to the floor and unleash our miraculous gift of tongues at the same time, then everyone will just be shouting their divinely inspired strings of syllables over everyone else, and no one will understand what’s going on. A big garbled mess like that won’t do anybody any good.” According to sources, the pastor went on to request that members enable video on their devices if they intended to take up serpents, because that’s something no one ever gets tired of watching.

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