EL PASO, TX—Working feverishly to cover up all evidence of their unsupervised week, a group of hapless teens raced against the clock Friday to clean up the mess from their homicide before their vacationing parents returned. “Shit, shit, shit, if my parents get back and see all the blood and bone flecks all over their living room, we’re definitely gonna be grounded. Like, for the entire year,” said 17-year-old Bobby Klein, claiming his mother would “totally flip” if she noticed how he and his friends had ruined her Persian rug by letting a homeless drifter bleed out on it. “Oh God, they just texted me to see if I want anything from the Whataburger! That’s, like, 20 minutes away! Just stuff those corpses behind the couch where they won’t be able to see them. Jesus, it still smells like death in here. Get the Febeze!” The cleaning frenzy was ultimately a wasted effort, however, as a cheerleader’s severed head fell out of the refrigerator just as Klein’s parents were thanking him for taking such good care of everything while they were away.
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