CARY, NC—Clumsily slobbering over each other like ham-fisted amateurs, a pair of teenagers sighted making out in the park Monday had absolutely no idea what the hell they were doing, dismayed onlookers confirmed. “From what I can see, they’re just shoving fingers into each other’s half-open mouth while he laboriously tries to work his hand up her shirt, which apparently he doesn’t realize is tucked into her jeans,” said one of the many eyewitnesses, going on to elaborate on how the two 15-year-olds needed to adjust their configuration and methodology in order to facilitate better breathing and, overall, simply take things slower and more gently. “These morons are never going to turn each other on if they can’t figure out how to deal with the elbow situation. Oh, Jesus, did she just lick his cheek? What the fuck?” Public safety officers were eventually dispatched to the scene to show the young couple how it should be done.
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