SPRINGFIELD, IL—Feeling anxious about broaching the subject with her strict, conservative family, local teenager Brynna Kessell confirmed Tuesday that she was unsure how to break it to her parents that the devil had recently gotten her pregnant. “When they find out that I’ve been carrying Satan’s spawn, they’re totally going to kill me,” said the 17-year-old, adding that her mother and father were eventually bound to notice her sallow complexion, intense cravings for raw meat, and violent telekinesis. “They’re super religious, so it’s bad enough that I’ve been sneaking out of the house at night to hook up with the Prince of Darkness, but they will totally flip out as soon as they learn I’m with demon child. God, I don’t even want to think about what they’ll do when it finally bursts out of me.” At press time, Kessell had reportedly opted not to tell her parents and to have the devil child exorcised.
More from The Onion