MERIDIAN, ID—Students at Union Junior High School reported Monday that eighth-grade history teacher Evelyn Carmody, a tireless educator who has dedicated her whole life to the vocation of teaching, is a total goddamn bitch. “I fucking hate her,” 14-year-old Scarlett Ramsey said of the woman who not only stays up well past midnight providing individual feedback on each paper she grades, but also sets aside nearly $1,000 of her income each year to buy books and basic supplies for students who can’t afford them. “Give us homework over a three-day weekend? Who does that bitch think she is? I hope she dies.” Sources also stated that eighth-grade English teacher Mark Bradstone, who doesn’t really give a shit about his job and shows up hungover most mornings, is super popular and very cool.

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