ABOVE CONCORDIA, KS—Her pen mercilessly slashing its way through a stack of handwritten pages, the middle school English teacher grading papers next to you on your flight from Los Angeles to Cleveland sure isn’t pulling any punches, sources confirmed Friday. “Man, she’s really letting those kids have it, isn’t she?” you reportedly thought to yourself while watching the teacher, who is holding nothing back as she fills page after page with red ink, crosses out entire paragraphs and aggressively marks several sentences “unnecessary” or “confusing.” “C plus, B minus, D minus—this woman is not fucking around. These are 12-year-olds writing papers on Abraham Lincoln, for God’s sake. You’d think she’d just be glad they turned in something halfway readable.” At press time, sources confirmed that Joey Caldwell from third period was getting torn a new asshole.


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