LYNN, MA—Expressing dismay at how little progress her students had made, local yoga teacher Diane Holden was reportedly frustrated Tuesday that no one in her beginner vinyasa class could yet focus their chakras into a psychic energy blast. “C’mon, this is the fourth week of class—they should be going straight from downward dog into a full burst of channeled cosmic power, but they’re not even close,” said a visibly annoyed Holden, adding that none of the dozen students after eight weeks could even concentrate their chakras so that their body glows, much less project shockwaves of pure electricity from their hands and feet that flood the room with blinding luminance. “This class is pathetic. It’s like they can’t grasp the first thing about concentrating their third-eye energy in the hakini mudra pose to generate the swirling sublime ball of the energy blast. Boy, they’ve really got their work cut out for them if they want to have any hope of levitating by next week.” Holden went on to say that the closest any of her students had come to practicing yoga successfully was when one united their mind, body, and soul well enough to make the lights briefly flicker.

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