Sudden Death Of Aunt Creates Rupture In Family Gossip Pipeline

Illustration for article titled Sudden Death Of Aunt Creates Rupture In Family Gossip Pipeline

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Grieving family members of local aunt Laurie Shelton confirmed Monday that the 48-year-old woman’s unexpected death had caused a major breach in their gossip pipeline, suddenly disrupting access to the latest dirt on all their relatives. “Since Aunt Laurie passed, news about how Stephanie’s new boyfriend can’t hold down a job and updates on Uncle Jeff’s gambling habit have slowed to a trickle,” said Shelton’s niece Arielle, mourning the loss of a woman who for years had reportedly ensured a steady stream of the juiciest tidbits about relatives’ layoffs, unplanned pregnancies, personal bankruptcies, and misdemeanor shoplifting charges. “All the best gossip flowed through her, and now she’s gone. For all I know, the twins in North Carolina could have been caught smoking pot, Grandma could be back together with Leon, and Uncle Mike could be considering a vasectomy. It’s a devastating loss for the whole family.” Several in the family expressed hope that, for the time being, a sufficient supply of idle chatter could be rerouted through Cousin Staci to meet their immediate needs.

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