Student Studying To Become Hair Stylist Nervous For Part Where You Practice On Cadavers

Graphic: The Onion

MILTON, MA—Wincing at the smell of formaldehyde as she entered the beauty school morgue, cosmetology student Linda Emerson admitted Wednesday that she was nervous for the part of her studies where she’d have to cut hair on cadavers. “I know it’s important to practice before you give a haircut to a living, breathing person, but doing a bob-chop on an 80-year-old dead lady just really freaks me out,” said Emerson, who, after shampooing her cadaver’s hair in the sink with the help of other students, was chastised by an instructor for ripping off a part of the scalp during what should have been a routine blow-drying exercise. “I really want to be respectful of the dead because they donated their bodies so I could learn to cut pixies, bouffants, and buzz cuts. I can’t even tell you how scared I am to start practicing the waxing unit, though—cadaver Brazilians are going to kill me.” At press time, sources said that Emerson was frantically trying to piece her mangled cadaver back together after accidentally chopping the entire head off while attempting to clean up the neckline.

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