BROKEN ARROW, OK—Admitting it had no idea what it was supposed to do with the dozens of preservatives and flavor enhancers, the stomach of local man Shawn Harper reportedly set aside the synthetic additives that the 33-year-old consumed during lunch Thursday until it had a few minutes to figure out how to properly digest them. “Oh, man, I don’t even know where to begin with this stuff—I’m just going to focus on the protein and basic carbohydrates before I even start to think about how to break down any of these artificial sweeteners and colorings,” reported Harper’s stomach, adding that the significant volumes of aspartame, BHA, sodium nitrate, and azodicarbonamide would just have to wait until the organ could summon every possible enzyme to sift through them all. “Boy, this is really going to take some work; I haven’t even seen some of this stuff before. Plus, I’ve still got to deal with all that FD&C Yellow No. 5 that’s just been sitting around since breakfast. Hmm. This stuff looks like it’ll probably slide out of the body fast anyway, so maybe I should just wave it all through.” At press time, Harper’s overwhelmed stomach had concluded it was probably best to vomit up the entire thing.

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