FREMONT, CA—Stressing that they should only say it once they feel comfortable, local stepmom Allison Pratt told reporters Tuesday that she doesn’t expect her stepchildren to call her a stupid bitch right away. “They were already teenagers when I came into their lives, so I understand if it takes a while before they call me a fucking skank,” said Pratt, adding that she was content to wait for as long as it took for her husband’s 15- and 17-year-old daughters to refer to her as a cunt who can’t boss them around. “If I’m patient, eventually they’ll stop seeing me as ‘Allison’ and start seeing me as more of a homewrecker figure. I bet it’s only a matter of time before ‘gold-digging witch’ is the only way they’ll refer to me.” At press time, Pratt smiled as she overheard one of her stepdaughters describe her as “that bimbo idiot” while talking to a friend on the phone.
More from The Onion