Squirrel Can’t Wait To Ruin Man’s Day By Running In Front Of Car And Getting Killed

Illustration for article titled Squirrel Can’t Wait To Ruin Man’s Day By Running In Front Of Car And Getting Killed

NORTH BROOK, IL—Excited at the chance to carry his plan to fruition, a squirrel reportedly couldn’t wait to ruin a local man’s day Wednesday by running in front of his car and getting killed. “The look on this jerk’s face when he hears the crunch of my body under his wheels is going to be absolutely priceless,” said the squirrel, laughing to himself as he thought about the visceral disgust and horror his death would cause the man for at least a few hours. “If things work out, he’ll be able to catch a glimpse of my bloodstained body still twitching slightly in his rearview mirror and just feel like a complete piece of shit. It’s going to be so great!” The squirrel also confirmed its intention to have its battered carcass picked apart by crows in an effort to ruin the man’s drive back home.