In a year where the news media fell under escalating criticism for fabrication, The Onion’s unparalleled reportage and sterling journalism revealed the core truth of 2017: That every other news organization is, indeed, lying to you. They are lying to you and, moreover, they believe you are the sort of gullible fool…
SCHENECTADY, NY—Repeatedly seeking to ease his friends’ growing skepticism and disinterest, local man Joel Mayhew peppered his explanation of the rules of the board game Pandemic with reassurances that it will be fun, sources confirmed Friday. “I know you’ll really like it once we actually get going,” said Mayhew,…
SCHENECTADY, NY—In a highly disappointing development expected to put a damper on the entire holiday weekend, sources within the Cunningham family confirmed Tuesday that none of the good cousins are coming to this year’s Thanksgiving gathering.
SAN FRANCISCO—With its massive and fiercely loyal user base, ChicagoTheBand.com—the official Internet home of the American music group Chicago—remains the most frequently visited website in the world, tech industry experts confirmed Wednesday.
Dear 1920s Baseball Fan,
SCHENECTADY, NY—Friends and loved ones of deceased community leader Bob Liddell alleged Monday that the occasion of his passing was exploited for mere religious purposes, accusing the officiating pastor at his Saturday funeral, the Rev. Frank Hyams, of turning the ceremony into a pro-Christian diatribe.
I have finally received an answer to the first-ever city-to-city telegraphic transmission that I sent back in 1844, "What hath God wrought?" Apparently, it's "A fragrant pile of oxshit called The Da Vinci Code."
SCHENECTADY, NY—The near-indescribable pain of a 30-hour labor and the passing of an eight-pound infant through her birth canal will, over time, prove to be the least agonizing part of Virginia Quigley's relationship with her daughter, the 23-year-old first-time mother failed to realize Monday.
SCHENECTADY, NY—Contrary to her pre-account vow, area resident Barb Schuyler's long story of how a series of cashier foul-ups at the grocery store Monday made her 25 minutes late for a dental appointment was not made short. "So then, it turns out the stupid woman forgot to ring in my Savers Club discount," Schuyler…