SALINAS, CA—After venturing forth into the vast, unexplored territory beyond the battery display, a scout is said to have returned from the farthest reaches of the Safeway cashier lanes with word of a quicker checkout line to the east, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Lane two’s open,” said the intrepid voyager, informing his party of fairer conditions past the self-checkout stations that would allow them to circumvent a phalanx of loaded carts and proceed with great haste to the parking lot. “There’s only one guy in line, and he doesn’t have much.” At press time, the grocery expedition was forced to turn back after coming upon a dark, foreboding proclamation that granted passage only to those carrying 10 items or fewer.

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