School Administration Reminds Female Students Bulletproof Vests Must Cover Midriff

Graphic: The Onion

HUNTINGTON, WV—Explaining that such suggestive armor was inappropriate for an educational environment, Huntington High School officials reportedly reminded female students Tuesday that their bulletproof vests must cover their midriffs. “We’ve been seeing some students wearing revealing bulletproof vests, so I just wanted to remind all you ladies that your kevlar must cover all your vital organs,” said Vice Principal James Nelson on the morning announcements, forewarning students that if they lift their arms up and any part of their stomach is exposed, then they would be sent to the nurse’s office and forced to borrow one of the school’s own ballistic vests, which are large and unsightly. “This is about respecting your classmates as well as respecting yourself. It’s distracting, not to mention inappropriate, to use your bulletproof vest to present yourself in a sexual manner during the school day. You can wear whatever type of tactical gear you want when you’re at home or at the mall, but when you’re here, it must be a longer, more modest item of personal armor.” At press time, the students were reminded that they could still customize their kevlar vests any way they want.

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