SALINAS, CA—In an effort to maintain stringent industry standards, salad suppliers nationwide pledged Monday to continue including just enough greens in bagged salad so that some will go bad if you’re single. “Whether it’s our 50/50 Mix or a simple chopped romaine, single customers can rest assured that they will always be left with a slimy, inedible clump of brown leaves at the bottom of the bag that wouldn’t be there if someone else were in their lives,” said Fresh Express CEO Marc Driver, adding that salad producers were united in ensuring that the refrigerators of partnerless consumers always contained a folded-over bag of soggy, spoiled vegetable matter that forces them to contemplate the possibility they’ll be alone forever. “You’ll know we’ve upheld our end of the bargain when you toss that quarter-filled container of rotting salad in the trash and wish you had someone—anyone—who you could come home to every night.” The suppliers also reaffirmed their commitment to including just the right amount of salad in their Spring Mix for couples in loveless relationships to always have their mouths full and eat in total silence.

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