Illustration for article titled Russian Bathhouse Guest Having Trouble Relaxing Over Sound Of Eastern-European Gangsters Planning Assassinations

NEW YORK—Explaining how difficult it was to decompress when they were openly discussing planting weapons and arranging for escape vehicles, Mark Stewart, a guest at a Russian bathhouse, was reportedly struggling to relax Monday over the sound of nearby Eastern European gangsters planning assassinations. “I came here for a nice, calming schvitz, but it’s impossible to unwind when those imposing Slavic men over there keep mentioning that ‘Dimitry needs to be taken care of’ every five minutes,” said Stewart who grew increasingly tense while overhearing Belorussian criminals arranging a gang-related murder in the sauna and loudly talking about how they need to go about it subtly in order to avoid starting a turf war with the Chechens. “I thought I could at least have a few minutes in the hot tub to myself, but then two of them came in and started speaking in Russian or something as they had a ceremonial drink of vodka to finalize the plans. Seriously, I barely got the chance to enjoy my visit, since even the guy giving me the massage with the eucalyptus branches wouldn’t shut up about putting two bullets in the back of some guy named Ilyich’s head.” At press time, the Eastern Europeans were reportedly worried that the stranger in their bathhouse knew too much and began making plans to “deal with him.”

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