Rowdy Grandma Double-Fisting Grandchildren

Graphic: The Onion

VALDOSTA, GA—Urging the feisty senior to pace herself, concerned Jackson family sources confirmed Wednesday that rowdy grandmother Arlene Jackson was seen careening around her son-in-law’s birthday party double-fisting grandchildren. “Nana’s got her arms so full of grandbabies that she’s practically falling over—she needs to slow down,” said Jackson’s daughter Olivia, echoing the sentiments of other adult party guests as they witnessed the manic 77-year-old cover her infant grandson with kisses before moving on to pinch the cheeks of four other grandchildren. “She already had both of my nieces on her lap when she snatched baby Charlie out of my hands. We told her to take it easy, but she stamped over and loud-whispered that she knows her limits. I mean, other people want to see the kids, too, but Arlene is just not handing them over.” Jackson was later seen slumped over in a recliner with several toddlers strewn about her feet, evidently passed out after several hours of binge-kissing.

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