PORTLAND, ME—In an effort to ease any concerns about her presence at the apartment, local man Jason Ballard assured his two roommates Wednesday that his girlfriend would only be staying over for the entire duration of their relationship. “Yeah, I know Anne was using the shower this morning, but she’s only going to be hanging out here until we’re no longer dating—that’s it,” said Ballard, who promised that he and his girlfriend would just be watching movies on the living room couch and cooking in the kitchen every night from now until their relationship ends, and then she would be out of their hair. “Just so you know, she’ll definitely be gone by the time our relationship is over. Honestly, you’ll hardly notice that she’s here.” At press time, both roommates were reportedly confident that Ballard’s girlfriend would most likely leave the apartment by the end of the month.

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