Illustration for article titled Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday. “Look at this stupid fucking thing,” said 15-year-old Brandon Callahan, mercilessly disparaging the statue by pretending to give it a handjob as four of his friends looked on and laughed, but perturbing the figure’s firm, unwavering resolve not a whit. “Who even put this ugly-ass thing out here? No one would ever want to sit down next to this dumb piece of shit. Fucking stupid corporate bullshit.” Having remained steadfast and assured throughout the approximately six-minute onslaught of teenage derision, the fast-food mascot is said to have further displayed its controlled temperament and unyielding grace several hours later when it cradled a homeless man’s head in its lap as he vomited, never once losing its expression of wholesome good cheer.

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