HOBOKEN, NJ—Shining new light on the words that offered you comfort just moments ago, a report released Monday found that your therapist was actually only saying that to make you feel better. According to sources, the debilitating self-hatred you feel is based in real problems you should address immediately, and it’s just that your therapist obviously can’t say that. Sources confirmed that she feeds that same tired line about “being gentle with yourself” to all of her patients. Your therapist knows you can’t handle the truth, which is reportedly why she said “That sounds really tough,” instead of “You deserve to be inundated with negative, looping thoughts fueled by a lifelong sense of aimless guilt you can’t shake,” which is the real truth. The report concluded that your therapist may not have even been saying that to make you feel better, after all, but simply to buy some time until she can get the hell out of there and stop talking to you.

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