GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Suggesting the breakup really left its mark on them, a new report published Monday has concluded that it sure looks like your ex gained some weight once they started dating someone much better than you. “Our findings indicate that as soon as your ex found someone who actually makes them happy, they must have put on four, maybe even five pounds,” the report read in part, citing as evidence your ex’s slightly fuller cheeks, which can be seen on social media in dozens of photos in which they appear smiling alongside a new significant other who truly values and supports them. “In fact, it seems they are no longer underweight at all, their once-hollow, sunken eyes having attained a vigorous new glow in the months since they became involved with a more mature and emotionally secure person. This weight gain certainly won’t be an asset if your ex ever wishes to date someone besides this one person who loves them and has taken them on lots of fun dates and even a trip to Bali, which couldn’t have been cheap.” The report went on to state that you must feel like you really dodged a bullet with that one.
More from The Onion