BUFFALO, NY—Stating that it would just take a minute and it would be way easier with two people, a new report released Wednesday revealed that local man Greg Metcalf just needed a little help here. “If you could just pop over here and grab the other end that would be great,” said the report, confirming this wasn’t actually that heavy, it was just awkward. “Buddy, come on. Stop staring and get over here. It’s only one flight of stairs and then we’re done. Just give me a hand, okay? This thing was expensive.” At press time, Metcalf told reporters that “fuck it” he could just do it himself.