AMHERST, MA—Noting the various clothes and belongings strewn across the scratched, dust-covered floor, friends of local man Kyle Gruvard reported Thursday that his apartment was nowhere near nice enough for him to be asking people to take their shoes off. “I don’t know who he thinks he’s fooling with this ‘no shoes’ charade, because he clearly doesn’t take his off when it’s just him in here,” said Geoff McDonough, who added that any dirt guests might be tracking in paled in comparison to the bits of food and grime gathered below his kitchen counters. “I’m not opposed to it in principle, but maybe own a vacuum before you start requesting that people remove their footwear at the door. Also, it’s fucking freezing in here.” At press time, Gruvard was hastily searching for a first aid kit after puncturing his toe on a thumbtack.
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