CALABASAS, CA—Astounded that it had never come up at any point in the six years they had known each other, local woman Lucy Reed, 25, reported Tuesday that her friend Nicole Silberthau had apparently been going by her middle name this whole fucking time. “Wait, Nicole’s real first name is Katherine? Are you fucking kidding me?” said a visibly stunned Reed, who was alerted to her friend’s given name while filling out a lease on a two-bedroom apartment that Silberthau had already signed, a discovery that reportedly set off a succession of puzzling questions in Reed’s mind, ranging from why the hell her friend had kept this fact hidden for so long to why she would go out of her way to call herself “Nicole” when her actual first name was completely normal to begin with. “What the fuck? Katherine Silberthau? Jesus, it’s like I don’t even know who she is anymore.” Reed noted that the incident was even worse than the time another of her friends, Chris Willetts, neglected to mention he was a “Jr.” for nearly a year.

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