Remote-Learning Student Praying It Snows Enough To Bring Down Internet Lines To Cancel School

Illustration for article titled Remote-Learning Student Praying It Snows Enough To Bring Down Internet Lines To Cancel School

WICHITA, KS—Holding out hope that a severe blizzard would come through her town and wipe out all local online infrastructure, remote-learning student Olivia Antonis was reportedly praying Thursday that it snows enough to bring down internet lines and cancel school. “Please God, give us a complete whiteout that screws up Wi-Fi speeds so we can’t have class,” said fourth-grader, clasping her hands together and petitioning the Lord Almighty to dump at least 10 feet of powder and send 35 mile-per-hour winds that knock down fiber-optic cable lines so she didn’t have to wake up at 7:00 a.m. to log into a Zoom meeting. “I’m begging you, grant us a deluge that wipes out mobile data, too, so we aren’t able to find a workaround. And please give us dangerous enough weather conditions so the Comcast guys aren’t able to fix it for multiple days.” At press time, Antonis suddenly stopped praying for this outcome after realizing it meant she wouldn’t be able to watch TV streaming services or play video games online with friends.

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